Any parent can attest to the fact that a child pooping in the tub is on the list of top 5 fears of parenting. We somehow managed to escape the infant years  scot-free with both boys and then all of a sudden in the last few weeks Carter has been making the tub his own personal bidet. He just settles right in and let’s the warm water take over him. It’s foul and uncouth. The first time it happened I had unknowingly let the boys take a bath together in our jacuzzi tub. You know, the one that is behind all of my pictures. Chris was the first one to spot the evidence and was at least quick enough on his feet to yell for Deklan to get out. I, on the other hand, grabbed my phone to take a video because, content. Turned out to be too graphic for the worldwide web with all the perps out there so I decided not to post it, but here’s the play by play.

Chris: “DEK! GET OUT! GET OUT, QUICK!”

Deklan terrified by daddy’s alarming tone, jumps right out while I grab my phone and start to take a video.

Chris to me: “Oh, come on! He pooped – just help him already!”

Deklan to me: “Come on, he pooped!”

Me: “Carter come on, buddy – get out!”

Unresponsive to our commands, I finally put the phone down and joined Chris as we stood hovering over the front of the tub still yelling at Carter to get out, which was only making the situation worse because it obviously scared him, so he kept scooting further away from us. The tub is pretty deep so I couldn’t just lean in and pick him up and I am NOT about to go in after him. My motherly instincts are clearly on par. To make matters worse, every time he moved the turd would follow him like a puppy on a leash causing us to scream out in horror.

Chris: “It’s following him! This is so gross – get out, Carter!”

Me: “EWWW! Carter! Get out of the tub right now! The poop is chasing you!”

Deklan enters stage left: “Carter, want to watch Dora?”

Carter: “YEAH!”

*like seriously, why didn’t I think of that?

He jumps up quickly and starts walking to the front of the tub, stepping right on the turd smashing it to the bottom of his foot!

Me: “AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Turn on the shower, Chris!”

I quickly scoop him up under the arms holding him out in front like Simba over the Pride Lands, and race over to the shower to hose him down.

Carter: *now terrified and crying* “I don’t like shower! I don’t like shower!”

Then Deklan starts crying out of nowhere, “NO! Don’t put him in there. I wanted to take a shower! It’s going to be dirty now and I wanted to take a shower, because the tub was dirty too!”

This is such a shit show {literally} that I spiral into one of my epic fits of laughter. That makes Deklan cry even harder because he’s so damn sensitive he assumes I’m laughing at him, which is basically his achilles heel. Chris, clearly not amused by my outburst either says to me, “if you pee your pants right now I’m walking out on this whole thing and leaving you to figure it out.” We make quite the team.

Since this initial incident there have been at least two more Code Browns. If it happens one more time, the only form of punishment that seems fitting for the crime will be a walk of atonement Game of Thrones style through the neighborhood carrying a poop emoji ballon to signify the crime he is being charged with, while we ring our cowbells and chant: “shame. shame. shame.”

I told you guys I’d regret not buying those balloons in bulk along with my own helium tank…

Howdy Ho, Neighbors!